Lonely. Writing that word down makes me feel worse. Paradoxically, writing that word down and sharing it with other people makes you feel lonelier. More vulnerable I suppose.
Generally, I don’t feel like this that often, and when I do I don’t dwell on it. Being ‘lonely’ in the literal sense can be amazing and I have really grown to know that in the past few weeks. Will definitely write about the benefits of being on your own in a separate post but maybe for a more positive night! At the moment though, I’ve just had one of those nights where it seems like everyone surrounding you has another half or someone close to them that you are lacking. And it completely takes over, which is the most annoying thing! You can’t not see it. And personally, I get angry at everyone that has made me feel like that and very self-deprecating as to why I am alone and other people my age, or even younger, aren’t. God, this is the most generalised stupid thing to think. But don’t tell me you’ve never felt like that at least one day or night in your life! What is it about me that is undesirable? That has made me ‘alone’?
I had that tonight and it is actually what prompted to get this blog up and running (every cloud right?), because I know other people have felt like that, and I’ve also been meaning to start this up (again) for ages; and it would have been great to start it on a positive note about how great my day was and how I went to a quaint London pub with my work friends (who are lovely by the way) and had a great time. But that wouldn’t be real. Not tonight.
So this is a very raw, stupid blog post that I will probably regret the next morning. But for now, this is kind of the direction I want to take, as I want to show people who feel like this every now and then, or who feel it more than occasionally, that everyone feels like this. But it always gets better, tomorrow won’t be anything like this. It is completely normal to feel like this.